Why is better to learn to express yourself as a man.
I want you to get rid of the idea that self-love is a women’s issue, forget about that at least while you read me. Yes, you may have heard more about it from a woman, however, it is for everyone.
Today I wanted my main reader to be you, a man. Regardless of the label you’ve decided to adopt in society: grandfather, dad, brother, boyfriend, best friend, cousin, neighbor, teacher, a stranger, whoever you are.
Today I speak to you without those labels and I speak to you from person to person.
Nowadays you must be confused whether you can freely express yourself or you can’t right? In the midst of so much chaos and debate your opinion may perhaps be taken as an offense even if it isn’t.
I don’t want to talk about all the social problems that you might already know, today is about you. I was born in a country where femicides have became a constant, Mexico. A year ago I started writing a book about personal development, it all started with a broken heart that revealed me a new path through self-love. After some months I started to perceive my life differently, I was feeling so good that I wanted to share it.
And it was through this self love path that I came to think,
If living a life guided by self love feels this good why don’t people live it that way?
I started digging.
Suddenly what appeared to be a superficial way of relating to self love, due to all the misinformation we have nowadays on social media, became a more profound question. At the time I started writing my book, in Mexico the information about femicides began to get louder and more noticeable thanks to social media and to all of the women that started to raise their voice. The environment was tense between men and women and that got me thinking.
I have been lucky to have grown in a family where gender differences weren’t a thing. I grew up with a very feminist and loving dad and brother. Throughout my life I have met incredible men who respect women and if there’s something that limits that respect towards them, they are all open to change.
They are open to deconstruction.
As humans, we all enjoy being recognized right? Who doesn’t? We like when people tell us what we are doing good, it feels good to know that you are becomming a good person or that you have been one in a certain situation. That feeling of recognition sticks. So I thought to myself, if the patriarchy has taught men that their worth often lies with the meritocracy, why not use it in a positive way?…
…instead of using our energy throwing offenses towards men, as most of us tend to do to highlight their mistakes in society and keep feeding this negative actions that divide us further, why not using it to create spaces towards a different way of thinking?
Spaces for new and awkward conversations in which men are able to express their deepest fears and emotions without being called out. Spaces for new mindsets with which we can stop identifying ourselves that much with our own gender and start thinking as actual humans.
As men you have been given the strong figure role, the one who can always do everything, the one who never breaks, the one who doesn’t feel anything and if he does, needs to be repressed, the one who avoids the ship not to sink.
You have been silently deprived of that freedom and the worst thing is that you couldn’t even tell. You were never educated enough to understand that you also have the right to not to be able to do everything, to be afraid, to break, to cry because someone is not here anymore, because you ended a relationship, to ask for help, to get out of a situation that doesn’t serve you anymore without having to be the “macho” that endures everything or that you have the right to not be able to deal with all the stress and anxiety that your work brings with it.
So I want to tell you that it is not your fault. We have all grown in patriarchal system that has got us playing roles according to our genders.
We weren’t educated to think as humans for the sake of our communities.
And I know this may sound as someone that could be justifying men’s actions towards women because maybe they weren’t educated enough at home. Oh believe me, I am not. I am sick of the attitudes, the lack of respect, the objectification, the sexualization and I am definitely tired of having to limit my authenticity related to the way I dress because I know that there are some unconcious men that are fugitive of their own demons looking to get rid of it all through violence in the streets. So this is not a justification indeed.
However this is not to generalize all men but to remind you that although it might haven’t been your fault the way you were educated to treat women or to think about them we can talk about your responsibility. Not as a man, but as a person. As we all are. Your responsibility as a person. I am an advocate of community and not individuality. However I believe that when we learn to make peace with ourselves as individuals, then we can better relate with others in a community.
Maybe you can’t change the way you have been educated but you can stop excusing yourself in that and change what does depend on you now.
You know? Self love does not only involve a pretty woman who uploads pictures with motivational phrases so that everyone sees how confidence she is.
For me, self love is actually the solution towards a better society. And I’m not talking about the romanicized idea of it.
I am talking about the genuine part of it in which we all learn to recognize our own worth, we learn to deconstruct our mindsets to let go off limiting beliefs and we start our own process of self discover to finally get responsible for our own emotions so that we give a better face to society.
Self love is that once and for all you hear yourself.
Why am I angry all the time?
Why do I feel so depressed?
Why do I want to control everything?
Why do certain things make me sad?
Why am I scared?
Why am I jealous? Insecure?
Why don’t I allow me to feel all this?
Question, question and question …
We all have a certain amount of repressed emotions that act as lenses for our actions. The way we feel inside is how we express ourselves outside.
Most people call this repressed emotions, emotional garbage. Think it like this, garbage by itself is useless, it is to be thrown away and not do anything with it. So let’s call this whole healing process an emotional recycling. In which we accept that we have emotional garbage as humans that is no longer helping us to move forward, but that we can use it to do better and more useful things for our environment so we recycle it to use it in a better way.
To be honest, probably as a man you won’t be able to fully comprehend what is like to be afraid as a woman living in a system called patriarchy. However you can develop the ability to empathize better. How? By letting yourself feel.
By treating your problems no matter how small and insignificant you think they are, by talking about what worries you, what bothers you, what makes you sad and by taking off that ridiculous idea that you have to repress yourself emotionally. Maybe you learnt to do it that way, but you can always relearn to quit it and also, inspire others to do so.
Maybe not all the men in the world will do it and that will help you to understand that we all have different information in our heads, some receive it before others, others may never reach it; take care of what’s yours.
Eventually you will decide to share your life with someone and that someone will bring her own mental dilemmas, take responsibility for yours. Always choose to be someone who cares for their mental health, so that whenever a serious problem confronts you, you naturally choose to speak about it instead of letting everything go to an extreme and end up choosing to attack or hurt someone in an attempt to relief everything that hasn’t been relieved before, for being so disconnected from yourself.
Love yourself more, love yourself a lot so that you want to acknowledge yourself. Talk about what happens in your world, of all the good and the bad that you see from your eyes, there is nothing wrong about it, you are no less of a man, or actually, you know what? Yes.
You will be less of a man to be more person instead, which is even better.
When you finally decide to face and understand what makes you feel in a certain way, you will have access to understand someone else’s feeling in a better way. Stop wanting to understand another person better without understanding yourself first, it will not happen.
And to the women reading me, stop running away from a man who wants to express himself. Learn to respect, take off those labels of “males” that come with so many prejudices, that you have also adopted from the patriarchy and that you have imposed on many men in your life.
Let’s use the “person” label instead and then yes, we’ll achieve to empathize.