Having your heart broken is one of the things you don’t understand at the moment until you decide to get out of the hole you created to cry. It is like having to accept that someone died, that not be there anymore and it is certainly one of the hardest things I have had to do.
Yes, our partners and ex-partners have perhaps been our best teachers, but why are their lessons so damn painful?
Certainly when we get our heart broken the least we think about is the lesson that rupture has within, the only thing that our brittle ego asks of us are explanations of why we did not go far enough for the other person.
I learned to realize that broken heart symptoms have two paths:
- You close the business forever for fear of failure again, “stop believing in love” and become an apparently brave and cold person as protection against possible breaks.
- You go through life seeking to fill that internal dissatisfaction that you feel leaving your ego under control: with food, with material things or with many, but many different people in order to make you feel better about yourself.
The first option for me, as a person who believed that forevers should exist, never resonated with me. It never crossed my mind to move away from love knowing that I could stumble upon new possibilities. So I guess I was team two. And I’m going to tell you one thing, that option is very tiring and expensive.
Your worries become very aesthetic because you are looking to be accepted and loved everywhere when instead all you have to do is start loving yourself (but you don’t know that, of course). You invest on the gym, on look changes, nightclubs and drinks, clothes, makeup, nails, healthy food, everything that takes you to always look good, because if you are going to keep the business open for everyone, it should look attractive.
The immediate happiness that everything that singleness after a break brings with is very satisfying, you have attention, you have fun; without any doubt as a “quick fix” it is very good alternative and a very good distraction if you are not allowing yourself to cry or feel bad… the problem is that you are constantly looking for yourself in the wrong people. Eventually that immediate happiness ends.
It becomes very tiring going from material thing to material thing, from fat burning challenge to fat burning challenge and from person to person because the truth is that you can’t stand yourself. Why? Because apparently they made it very clear to you that you weren’t enough for someone and you believed that story, so you seek to change what you are, believing that this way they will accept and love you.
But you know what?
Remember this for yourself,
You are already valuable without having to do absolutely nothing.
Those things don’t give you value nor define you, but you have to learn to understand that.
By creating relationships with other from a broken heart we can unexpectedly meet very nice person who really wants to be with us because of things they see that we’re not able to yet. Relate with the unique intention of running away from of feelings by “having someone” who tells us how great or beautiful we are when we haven’t learned to tell it to ourselves is actually not worse for the person to whom we lied, it is worse for us even if we don’t see it that way. Entering a relationship pretending to be emotionally well when in reality our head and our emotions are a big mess, at some point comes out.
Eventually those wounds will come out in any relationship we have or any thing we do, even if we go to the other side of the world, but we will blame our partners instead. We continually project our emotions onto the other person complaining about what they do or say or how they breathe, because judging the person next to us with whom we feel confident to let go of our problems is easier than recognizing our imperfection.
To be honest, I think there isn’t a specific thing you can do, there are no manuals to deal with this, there is no better advice, video, podcast, alcohol that are enough to heal a broken heart when you haven’t had enough to cry and feel bad. We always want to be told how, because it is desperate to feel as if you are missing a part of you, but we must arm ourselves with courage to go out and discover our own process.
There are things that people say as if they were universal laws that may not serve you whatsoever. What I can tell you as someone who spent a long time waiting for an antidote for her broken heart from the outside world, is that only when you sit down with what you feel with an open mind ready to use curiosity in your favor, your perspective changes.
There isn’t a specific amount of time to stop feeling bad after a break up.
Maybe that break-up leads you to one of those crises that destroy deeply, but when you allow yourself to sit with the feelings that it brings you, you return the power to return to yourself being stronger.
It is normal that when they break our hearts we change the chip and we want to get away from all the beautiful things that can give us in that desire to protect ourselves from what we have felt. I don’t have the universal antidote for a broken heart, what I know is based on my experience and for me, that antidote is self-love.
Self-love changes your perspective on situations, heals everything that has ever been broken and guides you back to who you truly are.
We need to stop listening to the external noise about how to overcome what hurts us, because it hurts a lot and we need to live it at our own pace. We need to stop wanting to prove to everyone that ‘we are fine’ when we live scorched inside.
You don’t need anything, other than sitting with what you feel.
If your thing is to cry every week, month, or even every year you remember, so be it. Eventually you’ll learn to set your own healthy limits when you realize how much time you spend on holding on to your idea of things, because that’s what it is. Sometimes we are already very clear about why a relationship is over, but it is the idea and our broken expectations that make it harder to move on.
Nothing, but absolutely nothing, will protect you in life more than the love you develop for yourself. However, this does not make it a destination to reach, it is a process that is lived in which all our actions are linked to the same center. Without self-love there can be nothing, nothing lasting or profound at least.
Without self-love you see love as a game where you have to survive instead of allowing yourself to live it, you go as a victim around life, you relate with others feeling incomplete hoping that someone will finally save you from that pain, you enter love feeling so small expecting the others make you feel what you have never allowed yourself to feel because you haven’t stopped to learn how, you create relationships with anything or anyone with other people’s ideas and not yours.
What you feel has to do with the narrative that you tell yourself in your head that again, comes from your beliefs. If you are willing to question how to return to yourself again, through self-love, this will be a huge mattress for you. So that the day you end that relationship with that love that you wanted so much, or someone rejects you, you choose better for yourself.